I didn’t feel like I was Indigenous enough.

I’m Ojibwa on my grandfather’s side and Mohawk on my grandmother’s side. I grew up in Cornwall, Ontario, next to Awkwesasne, a Mohawk reservation.

My reservation is with my Ojibwa side, meaning I’m registered with that reservation for my Indigenous status.

My reservation is Neyaashiinigmiing, with the Chippewas of Nawash around Cape Croker, Ontario. Neyaashiinigmiing means “point of land surrounded on three sides by water.”

In other words, my reservation is 10 hours away from my hometown, and I felt distanced from my Ojibwa heritage because of it. Furthermore, I lived next to Awkwesasne, but that wasn’t the reservation I was registered with.

I went through my childhood and teens not having a strong cultural influence in my life, and I grew ashamed that I didn’t know how much about my culture.

I know I’m not the only one. According to the Indigenous Youth Roots Barometer 2024, of the 1,125 Indigenous youth they engaged, here are the five most frequently identified barriers to cultural connection across all youth surveyed:

• 80% Not knowing where to start or who to go to.

• 70% Not enough time, energy or too many other responsibilities

• 70% Financial barriers and the cost of living

• 62% Mental Health

• 53% Lack of programming

There's a weird expectation of Indigenous people to have some deep connection with their cultures and nature. Here’s a quick story to illustrate my point.

I’ll never forget the first day of my Diversity course at Seneca College when the teacher asked if any Indigenous students were in the room… I reluctantly raised my hand.

The teacher wanted to give special recognition to Indigenous students going through post-secondary, but I just felt singled out more than anything.

This is my first time meeting these people, and I’m being tokenized for persevering in an opportunity everyone else got into as well. They don’t even know my name yet.

Shortly after, the students were broken up into groups of 5 to do intros, and each group was given a demographic of people to talk about from a social support context.

Not only was I given the “Indigenous” topic table, but the teacher also gave me instructions to lead the conversations.

At no point did I consent to this, nor did the teacher check-in if I’m okay with leading conversations about this personal and sensitive topic to me.

The teacher didn’t even engage me in conversation to see where my expertise was at; they just expected me to know all the right things to say and where to start about supporting Indigenous people.

This is my first week of classes, and my expectation is to be a student, not educate other people about the culture and community I already felt disconnected from.

I know that the teacher meant well; I learned the next year that when their family settled in Canada, the Cree helped them build their farmhouse, and they had a good relationship for generations.

My point is I had a complicated connection to my culture, and I embrace it now, but at the time of this story, I had no idea what I was talking about, and yet there was an expectation I could freely speak on Indigenous issues.

I think this expectation is a big reason why 900 out of 1,125 Indigenous youth surveyed in the Barometer feel not knowing where to start or who to go to is a barrier to a cultural connection.

When I felt shame about my culture, I didn’t feel comfortable asking about it. I didn’t know that just because I wasn’t registered with Awkwesasne, I could still go there for a cultural connection.

I grew up letting a colonial system in reservations determine my eligibility to be connected to that community, but I felt so ashamed of not knowing about my culture that I never asked about it.

To put it into perspective, when we are ashamed of things, we tend not to think about them much, or it affects our mood. Thus, I would ignore my Indigenous roots because I felt ashamed of not having answers.

Fast forward to now, and I’ve had plenty of opportunities to learn about my culture at my own pace and it’s a source of strength for me now.

It makes me happy that I’ve gone through the journey to address this shame because now I have plans to raise my children with their culture like I wish I had been.

Here are my top four Frayed Reflections for the week:

1. Indigenous youth feel ashamed they do not have a strong cultural connection.

2. This shame can lead to an Indigenous person never making the first move to have a cultural connection.

3. It’s important to manage our biases in personal and professional circles about the depth of people’s cultural connections.

4. Despite feeling ashamed about my lack of cultural connection growing up, I learned in college that I wasn’t alone, and I’m thankful for all my peers who educated me on their community’s teachings.

Peace out✌️